I Should, Shouldn't I?

Albert Ellis identified a phenomenon of rigid expectations of self and others that he later categorized as shoulds and shouldn'ts. Typically, these expectations precipitate emotional distress because they are (1) often impossible to meet, and (2) for the most part, completely unknown to the world expected to meet them.

"They should hold the train doors when they see me running. I shouldn't make mistakes. Ever! My mother should always support me and never embarrass me. Capitalists shouldn't manipulate the economy to their advantage. I should have a partner by now. Said partner should propose within two years. The proposal should be stupendous and original. The wedding should be the same. Fertility shouldn't be a problem for me. My partner shouldn't cheat on me." Your list may vary, ever so slightly.

But what would-could happen if we were to accept our inability to control the outcome? How would-could our lived experience shift if our time and energies were spent accepting the outcome? Would-could the outcome lose its power?

Imagine how we would fare if we were to switch out our shoulds for woulds or coulds. To prefer rather than demand. "I would certainly be happier if someone held the train doors for me, but I could also still be happy if they didn't. Well, perhaps not happy, let's just be real...but okay? Could I be okay if they didn't hold the train doors, understanding that they are not obligated to meet my expectations of human decency? Would it be helpful if I focused on the calories I just burned running for the train, while shooting off a quick email to my supervisor about my delay? Could I shift my experience of the misfortune without minimizing my experience of the misfortune...by switching out should for would?

I could. Couldn't I?